Attack of the Jedi baby

To the mom whose kid is a genius

I met a mom at the park the other day. Apparently her kid is a genius. 

Not just any kind of genius but, THE kid genius. 

I mean, freaking MIT should be calling him any day.

"He is so smart. He can count to 100, I swear!"

She says this to me as her genius son is eating sand from the sand box.

Granted my son is also eating sand but, he's only 16 months.

Genius status obviously hasn't been reached yet. 

Though if eating sand is the measuring stick we use than my kid better get into freaking Harvard.

"He also has been singing his ABC's since he was 1!"

This kid should be on Ellen.

These conversations usually happen organically when people ask me why my six year old isn't in school. You see, we homeschool. I know what you're thinking, it's because my kid is a genius and the school system is too behind for her right? 

Just kidding.

But really, our list of reasons we homeschool is long and more complex than that but, for some reason people seem to get either really excited when they find out we homeschool or really uncomfortable. It's the uncomfortable ones I like to goad.

"yeah, Gracie is actually in 4th grade but, we keep her home so she doesn't get teased. She's actually a math genius."

Come one moms, get over yourselves! Why do we need to not only compare ourselves to each other but, now we have to throw our kids into the mix! Listen Lisa, I'm glad that Larry Learner over here is a genius and has been tying his own shoes since 9 months old. My kid is old enough to pee in the toilet but she can't quite figure out that the right shoe goes on the right foot and the left shoe goes on the left foot. 

Standford isn't going to be calling us for early admission.

The point I'm trying to make is why can't we just let kids be kids! It makes me actually 

sad that we put so much pressure on our kids to be better than their friends.

My six year old actually knows everything.

Apparently when you turn 6 your brain opens and all the information in the world 

fills your soul and you are able to be a know-it-all.

Then, when you turn into an adult, you lose it.

Go figure.

I have to actually remind her every single day that she DOESN'T know everything and that is a GOOD thing! I don't ever want to get to a point in my life where I don't want to learn anymore and I certainly don't want my daughter to hate learning because I force fed her book work non-stop in her elementary years. Let them play. Let them learn through life.

I'm all about bookwork, don't get me wrong.

We do our worksheets but, we also learn in different ways AND we don't need to tell everybody about it. 

Now, this could be my copout way to put my mom guilt at rest because, lets be real, sometimes I forget that I'm suppose to teach my four year old her letters and crap like that. 

Shouldn't she just know that?

Middle child syndrome. 

But really, I don't care if my 4 year old can count to 100. I actually don't. I don't care if my 6 year old can read chapter books back to from and do 3 digit multiplication.

I also don't care if yours can.

I get that we are proud of our kids and we want others to know it. 

I GET IT! 

I get so excited when Gracie spells a word correctly instead of phonetically that I want to instagram the shiz out of it. But I think that is the equivalent of posting what I'm eating for dinner

and ain't nobody got time fo dat.

So before you internally roll your eyes when I wide eyed new mom stares at you and asks "Shouldn't my baby be reading Shakespeare right now?!?" Just pat her on the back and remind her that yesterday your 4 year old at a glue stick. 

It's all relative.

Mom guilt- Halloween edition

You know, about a healthy 67% of what I do for my children stems purely from mom guilt. Don't lie, you know you suffer from mom guilt too. No semi- self respecting adult actually WANTS to listen to "The Bear Went Over the Mountain" on repeat every time you get in the car. I waited my entire adolescent life to become an adult just so I could buy a bag of chips and Starbursts at the store, put them in my very own cupboard, and eat them all without sharing. Yeah right, here children, do you want all my snacks? Oh you need that doll? Would you like a Disney Vacation to go with it? 

When we had our first I was goo-goo eyed over her and the "system" of being a mother. I swore to myself that we would always read to her before bed and then sing her songs. All the books talk about early literacy and how it will make my kid the ruler of the universe if we spend every night reading to her.  And so we did.

Because, back then, I was mother of the year right? One kid is basically nothing. We had that figured out real quick. Just kidding. 

Fast forward 6 years and two more kids later.

Evie: "mom I can't sleep without hearing Baby Mine!" (4 year old. Super scary)

ME: "Go to bed Evie."

Evie: "I will never close my eyes again unless I hear Baby Mine!"

ME: "I hope your retinas don't dry up."

Evie- now sobbing: "I don't have tetinas!! BABY MINE!!"

Gracie: "Mom, Evie won't stop screaming and she punched me when I told her to be quiet."

Evie-"BABY MINE!!!"

Did I give in? You bet I did. I was not in the mood to get punched.

My mom guilt right now, and the reason for this post, is the dreaded holiday of Halloween. I actually love Halloween. It's by far my favorite holiday. Before we had kids we used to watch a scary movie every night. We would go to fun halloween parties and enjoy the fall weather. It was awesome. Then we had kids and the awesomeness changed a bit. This year, my kids don't seem to grasp the concept that we just moved 3000 miles across the country and maybe, just maybe, they can handle the perfectly acceptable pre-made costumes that every other kid in the world. Well except for the kids  that have a mom just like me (guilt ridden).
I blame my husband. He is a Halloween crazy man.
So this year in July Gracie let us know what she was going to be.

"Mom, I am going to be a peacock for Halloween!"
Oh goodie, that doesn't sound difficult at all.
"Oh, but not an ugly peacock I need to be a boy peacock because they have pretty feathers. Here mom, get on your computer and I will show you."
After pouring over pinterest for an hour she apparently decided that I was in the know enough to be qualified to make her costume.

Evie was another story.
"Mom, I want to be a scary witch that eats people for Halloween."
"..........."
We had just gotten back from Disneyland in September and she had received a Minnie witch hat so I was sure that is where this was coming from. Well, at least I hoped we weren't dealing with some underlying psychological issue.

"Evie I don't think that Witches eat people sweetie. Do you want to be a Minnie witch? We can make a purple dress and everything?!?!" And by make a dress I really mean buy one from Target.

"No mom, you're wrong."
Then she stuck her witchy claws in my face and cackled.
Sometimes at night I lay awake worried she is going to murder me in my sleep.

So we picked out a perfectly terrifying, people eating witch costume and were set to buy it from Costco. I felt like this was a mom win. I really would only have to make one costume this year and my only other worry was trying to keep Evie from biting people. No biggie. We got this Halloween.

One day later.
"Mom, I want to be a flamingo for Halloween."
"Evie I already picked out your witch costume."
"Sorry mom, you're wrong."
Well, I guess that ends that conversation.

So guess what? Making bird costumes is actually the worst. First of all, I am not a seamstress. But I have to try right? Because if I don't society tells me that my kids will have terrible memories of me buying their costumes from the STORE *gasp*! It's tragic really. When my kids grow up and people ask about their childhood they are going to just have to tell people they were orphans or something. Save themselves from the emberassment. Second of all, I really have no idea how to make crap up when it comes to crafts. I just can't do that. But, I read a mom blog, this mom really loves her kids and talked about how grateful she was to be able to make costumes for them. Her heart was full when she saw how much her kids appreciated her work.
I think I actually rolled my eyes SO far into my skull that I had a headache for like, an hour.

Here I am, slaving away, cutting hundreds of feathers out of felt and dreaming of the days that my daughter just wanted to be a witch and eat people for Halloween.
Freaking mom guilt. 

The Queen

Last week Gracie demanded that we refer to her as 

"The Queen"

She donned her crown, put on her Elsa dress, and the monster was born.

Evie was all over that crap. 

"Queen, what can I get for you"

"Hand me my water servant."

"Ok!"

Me: "Gracie, please don't refer to your sister as a servant"

"mom, my name is queen."

"Gracie, you need to be kind to your sister."

"MOM, YOU'RE RUINIG MY DAY!"

Story of my life

"Here is your water queen. Would you like me to do anything else."

"Servant, don't talk to me like that!

Get into jail!"

"Ok!"

Me: "Gracie, please don't put your sister in jail"

Evie: "Mom, it's ok, I like jail."

I hope that today was not a look into my future. 

Mombie life

I feel like I spend most of my life in a slight stupor due to lack of actual, quality sleep. You know the kind of sleep I refer to; one where you sleep consecutively for hours at a time. Every little noise is just a cute reminder that you don't have any responsibility or worry in the world. You can just turn up the fan and bask in your Benedryl like coma that scientists refer to as "rem sleep". Ah, bliss.

Today I'm a particularly snappy brand of zombie, er I mean MOMbie, because I had the exclusive privilege of having all my kids in my bed with me at once. WHAT! You're jealous, admit it. You only wish you could freely give up your personal space and favorite pillow to three little kids who, even asleep, fight like they are wide awake and are ready to avenge.

The hubby was on duty last night, which basically means he was in class all day and then stays at the base to stand watch, sleep, play Star Wars on his phone, and bask in that foreign concept of REM sleep that I will probably never see again. I hate when he is on duty. I HATE when he is on duty. Mostly because I just can't sleep. When we joined the Coast Guard I never openly complained about anything on the forums I had joined, mainly on Facebook. It was like, if you even stated ONE opinion about how you really felt about your husbands job they were stringing you up by your toes and hanging you off the nearest buoy tender while throwing copies of "sea legs" at you.

You see, Beau and I had been married for seven years before he ever joined the Coast Guard. Seven years of waking up next to my husband virtually every single morning. I think we had maybe been apart a total of four days before he ever left for basic. When I would see other women ask "how do you deal with your spouse being gone at night" people would answer with a very comforting "get over it", "your job is to support not complain", "You don't have it that bad", "let me tell you what hard is" etc. Well, I'm here to say that what is easy for you wasn't easy for me.  I support my love 1000000% but that doesn't make sleeping alone at night any easier. First of all, I get freaked out at night. I have pretty severe anxiety and so, when I'm alone at night and the only responsible adult, I am certain that the stars will align and tonight will be the night we are robbed and murdered in our beds. I am constantly getting up, checking the kids, checking the locks, opening closet doors while holding a hammer just in case the intruder came in the house during the day while I was unsuspecting. The fact that that way of thinking is completely irrational does not escape me.  It also may have to do with my year of being obsessed with Criminal Minds. Freaking prime time TV.

I also turn into the laziest kind of mom around when dad is on duty. "Oh, you want to binge watch Netflix all day? Fire up that Magic School Bus!" "You feel like eating brownies and last years Halloween candy for dinner? Eh, could be worse. Throw me some skittles." It's actually kind of terrible except that I never ever have to change out of my pajamas. I don't know about you but I call that a mom win.

So last night I felt like a champion when I shut off my binge watching marathon of "Gilmore Girls" at midnight and started to fall asleep. This never happens to me. I consider myself lucky if I'm asleep by one on duty nights. I had just gotten past the toss/turn battle and closed my eyes when I hear someone dragging everything they own down the hallway towards my room.

"Mom, I had a nightmare"- It was my 6 year old Gracie. She has night terrors and I will often find her wandering down the hall. Yes, it's as creepy as it sounds. I muster all the love I can from my half comatose state to pull back the covers and let her in. "What was your nightmare about?" She goes on to half explain the plot to Curious George's Halloween Boo movie and then fall asleep. I actually find it adorable that Curious George gives her nightmares.

Two minutes later my four year old came creeping in. "Mom, I had a nightmare." I pull back the covers to my quickly filling up bed and ask her what her nightmare was about. Because, that is what you are suppose to do as a good mom. Really though, I just wanted to take my pillow and go sleep in their bed. Her reply "Gracie." Well okay then. She promptly turned sideways, stuck her foot in my throat, and fell asleep.

And then, the baby started crying. I will admit I have a teensy soft spot for the littlest man in my life. It's his cheeks, I can't get enough.

 Alright, let's get this out of the way right now: I don't like co-sleeping. I know that a lot of you probably do. I have read all the arguments about why it's the bomb.com and how it helps your children grow to be well-adjusted rulers of all the universes or whatever but, I actually hate it. Let's be real though, I don't even like sleeping next to my hubby most of the time. I just REALLY like my space when I sleep! I don't think it's adorable when they climb in and snuggle their 1000 degree body right up next to you while simitaniously mouth breathing in your face. I don't understand how they can sleep straight as a board in their own bed but the second they get into mine they remember how much they love sleeping upside down with their big toe shoved into your ear. I also don't like that when a child is in my bed I just can't sleep. I worry all night that I'll squash the baby or, heaven forbid, wake up the four year old. And come on, nothing screams sexy time like the consequence of said time shoved right in-between you and your love with an arm wrapped in your hair.

Don't mind me, I'll just be over here downing iced chai's and letting my kids color on the walls.